We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. It's interested in its own power, THAT'S THE ONLY THING, keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. Carlin and his older brother, Pat, were primarily raised by their mother in Manhattan's Morningside Heights neighborhood. Who wants to get sucked off by a forty-three-year-old clergyman with beard stubble? Happy was into grass and grass alone Happy, that's all he did. And a boring game. Carlin was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, religion, psychology, language and taboo subjects. Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin, 40. George Carlin was one of the more popular and influential comics to emerge from the 1960s counterculture. You kick the priest in the nuts and say, "Fuck you, Father, I don't do that shit" And you're out the door. Doesnt happen. Heres another question I have: How come when its us, its an abortion, and when its a chicken, its an omelet? "All of you over here, you seven? Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. A comedian can say things that you may not want to hear but need to. Maybe evenremember them? We won the big game today, yes sir! But youll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, Whats happenin?. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. Apparently, were not ready for that! George Carlin, 72. When are they gonna outlaw this shit? 60+ Hilarious George Carlin Quotes and Jokes | Thought Catalog And athletes, athletes got into uppers, college athletes. ""Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. First thing- "Hey! Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy. A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! My first rule: I dont believe anything the government tells me. One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George Carlin, 51. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. And do people really watch this shit? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up Your Plan? 43. Im talking about the real owners now the real owners. They never mention that part to us, do they? George Carlin, 50. I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Its a fucking sacrilege! Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. Author of the memoir The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses. Uber is a mobile app that hails cabs for you. At least he's honest!" Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? The people are [bleeped out]. He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? I think these pipe-smokers oughta just move to the next level and go ahead and suck a dick. Yeah, the public sucks. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. After that, they don't want to know about you. Quote by George Carlin: "Forget the politicians. The politicians are This country is full of nitwits and assholes. He died in 2008, the week after he had been named the recipient of the Mark Twain Prize . Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. That is against their interests. Help me find some shoes I really like. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. And you might have noticed something else. Maybe this time itll work. George Carlin, 59. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. "Life is sacred"? Pointless careerism, putting on a man tailored suit and shoulder pads and imitating all the worst behavior of men? Theyre always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. And I would admit, that somewhere underneath all this there's a little flicker of a flame of idealism that would love to see it all huish! We made the whole fucking thing up! There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. Ask an addict. You have no right to complain. I love the freedoms we used to have. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. The truth is, we dont have people like that. Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here. That's the only thing. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. A lot of these cultural crimes I've been complaining about can be blamed on the Baby Boomers, something else I'm getting tired of hearing aboutwhiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "GIMME IT, IT'S MINE!" Sleepy was into reds. Im sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin, 27. BAM! After that, they dont want to know about you. Not so youd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line, I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me. I don't even bring them home anymore. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? Bashful didn't use drugs. And Bushis pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. I'm here to help. George Carlin on Customs | between drafts Especially if it's me! But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. Bullshit is everywhere. But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?". People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. I leave that to others. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and. [points to chest] And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. George Carlin Quotes. In America, anyone can become president. If you can find a solution to homelessness where the corporations and politicians can make a few million dollars each, you will see the streets of America begin to clear up pretty damn quick! George Carlin, 67. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. And that's the problem. They must really be bad; they'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large! . One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin, 49. 48. George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity. Here's my problem with the Ten Commandments: why are there ten? That's generally been true. Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines havesome day birth control pills will have names like, "Preg-Not"! I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. I hate groups of people but I love individuals. They're doing amphetamines. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Over the years, dozens of joke lists and rants have been forwarded around the internet and misattributed to George Carlin. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: The public sucks. The Zen Teachings of George Carlin, a Comedian Who Pointed the Way Judd Apatow and Michael Bonfiglio's new HBO documentary "George Carlin's American Dream" takes viewers on a tour through.
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